Isolated
by TMNT-Queen
Summary: Being the leader of the Hamato Clan came with a price; sacrifices had to be made to ensure the safety and survival of his family - including the closeness with them that Leo used to enjoy. The blue-banded ninja was lonely. Terribly so. And his loneliness had begun to turn into something much worse. (Rated T for mentions/thoughts of suicide.)
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I know, it's another Leonardo work. Writing about our leader-in-blue comes easier to me...maybe because I can relate to him so well. That's the only reason I can explain it. *shrugs*_

 _Anyway. On with the story._

 **Chapter 1**

Leo had a terrible feeling as he walked around the Lair. There was a growing dread in his belly and a darkness gathering in his heart. Being the leader of the Hamato Clan came with a price; sacrifices had to be made to ensure the safety and survival of his family. And one of those sacrifices was the comradery that he had enjoyed with his brothers before he had been chosen as leader.

The blue-banded ninja was lonely. Terribly so. And his loneliness had begun to turn into something much worse.

He'd tried to fight it off, tried not to give in to the darkness. But it was no use. Thoughts began to take hold of his mind. They whispered that he was useless, that he was a waste of space, that he was good for nothing but filling a position someone else could easily fill.

On that particular day, Splinter had given his four students the day off from training, so each of the brothers split up to do their own things. Raph went to his room to work on his drumming; Mikey immediately commandeered the television and gaming consoles; and Donnie was locked in his lab on pretense of completing his latest project.

And so Leo was alone.

He didn't have any pastimes, other than training or meditation. And all of his siblings were too busy to hang out with him. The poisonous thoughts popped up in the back of his mind again, seizing the perfect opportunity to drag him further down.

 ** _Worthless._ _Pathetic._ _Even your own BROTHERS_** _ **don't want to hang out with you**._

"No...they're just busy, is all. I'm sure we'll do something together later."

 ** _Yeah right. Don't hold your breath, Lame-o-nardo._**

Not for the first time, tears stung at Leo's cobalt eyes. He wiped them away with the back of his hand and headed for the lab. With any luck, Donnie might allow him to lend a hand.

"Hey, Don?" the leader called softly.

"I'm kind of busy right now, Leo. Can it wait?"

"Well, I was actually wondering if you needed any help."

The genius didn't even look up. "Nope. I've got it."

"Oh. Okay." Leo swallowed his disappointment and left the lab, shutting the door again. He could always ask Mikey. A small smile appeared on his face. His youngest brother never _was_ one to turn down a multi-player game.

The thought cheered him up considerably, so he headed that way next. True to form, Mikey was cross-legged in front of the TV, his tongue stuck out the side of his mouth in concentration.

"Hey, Mikey. You up for a little multi-player action?"

"Nuh-uh," the youngest replied distractedly. "I'm working on a mission right now, bro. Can't exit the level."

"I could join you, maybe help you earn some extra points-"

"Sorry, Leo. It's single-player only."

"...oh."

"Maybe later though."

"Y-Yeah. Later."

The leader's shoulders slumped as he walked away. Even _Mikey_ didn't want to do something with him. And there was no point in asking Raph - he was out on patrol with Casey.

So he was alone. Again.

But this time, it was different. This time, he _felt_ something. Something like...sadness, and a general feeling of worthlessness.

 ** _Told you that you weren't good for anything,_** the voice said.

Leo bit his lip as his heart and mind tumbled into a black abyss so deep he didn't think he'd ever get out again. _Not that it matters,_ he thought bitterly. _They wouldn't care._

 ** _Exactly._**

 _Y'know, you're not really helping me out._

 ** _Says the guy talking to himself._**

 _...Point taken._

 ** _You know what I think? I think you should get out of here. Save them all some trouble and heartache._**

 _What do you mean?  
_

 ** _Come on. You can't seriously be THAT dense. They don't need you here. It'd be better if you just...left._**

 _You don't mean...you CAN'T mean..._

 ** _Oh, yes. Yes I can. And I do. Think about it. You're a waste of space and resources. Besides, your brothers made it perfectly clear they wanted nothing to do with you._**

 _...well..._

 ** _Don't be a coward._**

 _I'm not a coward!_

 ** _Really. You're not?_**

 _No_ , _I'm not. A coward would be one who ran away from his problems._

 ** _You mean like you're doing right now?_**

Leo drew to a stop, realizing that he had somehow wandered out of the Lair and into the tunnels beyond. He shook his head. _You're driving me crazy._

 ** _You were already there. You didn't need any help from me on that one._**

 _Gee, thanks._

 ** _Come on. You're being a big baby about this. Just get it over with. They don't NEED you. You said yourself that your position could easily be filled by someone else._**

 _Yeah...I did say that, didn't I?_

 ** _Yes. Take my advice. I've been with you all this time. Talked you through all the loneliness. You can trust me._**

 _Trust you to get me killed, apparently._

 ** _Are you gonna do it or not?_**

 _... I don't know. What about Sensei? He would miss me._

 ** _No one would miss you. No one._**

He swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. That option seemed so extreme. _Couldn't I just go away for a while and then come back?_

 ** _Come back to what? There is NOTHING for you here._**

 _Don't say that. My brothers need me. Sensei needs me._

 ** _Really? That's not what it looked like this morning._**

 _They were just..._

 ** _Just what?_**

 _...I don't know. I don't know. Is that what you want to hear?_

 ** _I just want to help you realize that you're completely unnecessary. Why not just end it all and get away from the pain and loneliness?_**

 _..._

 ** _Look, your brothers would be so much happier without you here. You're dead weight. Always have been. You said it yourself, you're not nearly as talented or smart or strong. You're useless._**

Tears stung at Leo's eyes again, and this time he made no move to wipe them away. He knew that the voice was right. He _was_ useless.

 _ **Glad to see you agree with me on this one.**_

 _What do I have to do?_

He could almost see the voice smiling as it instructed him on how to go about doing what he was going to do next.

His heart pounded as he peeked into the living room, where Mikey still sat playing video games. _I have to say goodbye,_ the leader thought. _I can't just leave them with no warning._

 ** _Why not? It's not like they'd care anyway._**

A pang of guilt filled him and he shook his head. _They deserve that much._

The voice stayed silent for once. Leo took it as an invitation to proceed. He snuck past Mikey - not that the youngest would notice anyway, what with how focused he was on the current level of his game - and stepped into the lab.

"Hey, Don?"

"Still busy, Leo. Can it wait?"

 ** _See? You're not as important to him as you thought. His work always comes first._**

 _Shut up._

"I just wanted to let you know that I was going out for a run. I'll..." Leo's voice cracked and he swallowed. "I'll be back soon."

"Okay," the genius replied distractedly.

Raph still wasn't back, and Splinter was at April's, so the only other person that the eldest had to say goodbye to was Mikey.

A sigh escaped Leo's mouth and his shoulders slumped as he headed back to the main room. "I'm going out for a while, Mike. I already let Donnie know."

"'kay. Have fun."

Cold certainty washed over the blue-banded ninja. They wouldn't miss him. They weren't even paying attention to him now. He glanced back at his youngest sibling one last time before heading into the tunnels.

 **A/N: I'm gonna cut it off here, guys. It's getting a little long. Heh.**

 **What do you think so far? It's kinda depressing, I know. But oh well. *rolls eyes***

 **Please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I just typed out half a chapter and then the stupid page crashed before I could save it. You think I'd have learned by now to save while I'm writing. *sigh*_

 _Also, thanks for all the awesome support, guys. I didn't expect it - not on this supposed-to-be one-shot. ;)_

 **Chapter 2**

Raph was grinning as he entered the Lair. He and Casey had busted a lot of heads, stopped several robberies, and left some scumbags for the police to find. It was a good night.

The good night abruptly went south as soon as he stepped foot in the main room. Something was off. Wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it.

A frown crossed the brawler's face and he scanned the area. Donnie was in his lab, judging by the lights flashing underneath the closed door. Mikey was in front of the TV playing games, like he'd been all day long. Splinter was still at April's - probably enjoying the rare moment of peace and quiet away from his rambunctious sons.

But where was Leo?

"Where's Leo?" Raph asked, crossing his arms.

Mikey shrugged, completely engrossed in his mission. "Went out for a run a while ago. Said he'd be back soon."

Ice shot through the hothead's veins. "How long ago is a while?"

"Uh...four hours." The orange-banded turtle froze when he realized what he'd just said. "No, that can't be right. He left at nine o'clock and it's only..." A glance at the TV screen made his heart sink. "One o'clock in the morning."

Raph swore under his breath and tossed Mikey his phone. "Call him. I'm gonna talk to Don and see if he knows anything."

"He won't. He's been in there since you left earlier. You know how he gets when he's in 'the amazing world of science.'"

"Just call Leo and ask him where the shell he is and why he isn't home right now."

"And if he doesn't answer his phone?"

"We cross that bridge when we come to it."

 **%%%%%%%%%%**

Leo didn't answer his phone.

In fact, they found the device buzzing happily away on his nightstand. "I'm gonna kill him," Raph muttered when they discovered the forgotten item. "I'm gonna kill him and then bring him back so I can kill him again."

"I don't think killing Leo would help very much," Donnie pointed out dryly. "Right now we need to focus on locating him."

"How?" Mikey asked, his eyes filled with concern - and fear. "He could be anywhere, Donnie. In the sewers, or on the surface, or-"

"No. He knows better than to go to the surface by himself." The brainy turtle got two incredulous looks in response. "...Right. He could be anywhere. Look, the smartest thing to do would be to get Splinter in on this so someone's waiting at home. Casey and April can take the surface, and we can take the sewers."

"There's a lot of surface to cover, Don." Worry carved a line into Raph's forehead and his shoulders tensed. "There aren't enough of us to find him the hard way. Why would he just run off without taking his phone or anything? He's more responsible than that."

Mikey scrunched his face up, trying to think. Or, more accurately, trying to remember. "He didn't really say anything that I'm aware of. But he _did_ ask if he could play a game with me first, and I turned him down."

"He also asked me if he could help out in the lab," Donnie murmured, his mind going a million miles a minute. "I told him no, and _then_ he went out to see if you'd play with him, Mikey. When you said no, he decided to go out for a run."

An impatient huff escaped Raph's lips. "So Fearless was bored. How does that help?"

"Not bored, Raph. I think...I think he was lonely."

"And neither of us took the time to hang out with him," the youngest turtle said quietly. "We just ignored him." _A flash of cobalt eyes filled with hurt, sadness, and exhaustion._

"He was upset," Mikey realized. "He just needed a distraction. He needed to not feel so...alone."

"What are you talking about?" his hotheaded sibling asked, frowning. "He wasn't alone. He was here with you and Don."

"Yeah, but think about it, Raph. He has to make all the decisions by himself. He never gets to have any fun. The safety of the family rests squarely on his shoulders. He has to be responsible so none of us do. When was the last time that he actually smiled? I mean, like a _real_ smile?"

Raph fell silent, confirming what Mikey already suspected. A bad feeling rose in the orange-banded turtle's gut and a question tickled the back of his mind.

 _How badly did we screw up this time?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Leo's mask tails whipped in the already-chilly September breeze. Tears stung at his cobalt eyes as he settled down in one of his favorite "secret places": the top of the Verrazano Narrows bridge. The bridge was one of the few places he could go and just be himself, relax for a little while...or, apparently, contemplate his own death.

A shiver crawled down the leader's spine at the word. Sure, he and his brothers had been in many battles and faced death multiple times. But that was honorable. That was life given for the lives of other people. And this...this was _suicide_.

He stared down at the water. The surface glinted black in the dim lighting, and in the distance Leo could just make out the gathering rays of sunlight that meant dawn was close.

Which also meant that he'd been out for far too long.

 _But what does it matter in the grand scheme of things?_ Leo mused silently. _What do **I** matter, in the grand scheme of things? What does my being here change? Nothing. _

His eyes filled up with tears again and this time, he made no move to wipe them away. They cascaded silently down his cheeks, soaking his mask, dripping onto his plastron.

"I'm a coward," he told the wind. "I'm a coward, and a liar, and a fake. And I-I'm starting to see why everyone hates me so much...because I hate me too."

 _"You know what?! You're a good for nothing son of a rat."_

 _"Oh, like you're so much better."_

 _"Better than you are, Teacher's Pet."_

 _"Ninja dropout."_

 _"Just because I don't train for twenty hours a day doesn't mean I'm a ninja dropout! I can still fight with the best of them! I just don't have to be **perfect** like you do!"_

 _"I never said I had to be perfect!"_

 _"You didn't have to. It was written all over your stupid, ugly face. 'I'm better than you are. I know best. I'm Splinter's favorite.' We've all seen it. And we're all tired of it."_

More tears, falling faster. Leo stood up and made his way over to the edge of the bridge support, swaying a little when he saw the water so far below. But he couldn't take the final step. Not yet.

He stood there for ten minutes, wrestling with himself. Wanting to take the plunge. Wanting it all to be over. But whatever shreds of loyalty remained inside of him wouldn't let him budge.

Finally, the eldest collapsed backwards. And wept.

* * *

It was past noon when Leo returned to the Lair. He was well beyond exhausted, both spiritually and physically, but he managed to slip unnoticed into his bedroom.

Unfortunately, as soon as he closed the door and turned on the light, he found a pair of baby blue eyes blinking up at him from his unmade bed. "Leo?" Mikey whispered. "Dude, you're back! I-"

"Why are you here, Mike?"

The youngest flinched at the emotionless tone, and his smile flickered briefly, but then he was back to his bubbly self. "We were worried about you. You've been gone more than twelve hours, dude."

"You didn't need to worry."

"You haven't eaten-"

"I ate while I was out." _Lie._

"-You didn't take your phone with you - and by the way, Raph's totally going to kick your shell for that, fair warning-"

"I forgot to grab it." _Lie._

"You didn't say where you were going-"

"I honestly just ran around the sewers for a while." _Lie._

"For fifteen hours?"

"..."

Mikey stared at his brother with a troubled gaze. "What's going on, Leo?"

"I just...I have a headache, okay? I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep. Now can you _please_ leave?"

"...fine. But I'm telling the guys that you're home. And Don's gonna check you out to make sure you're okay. And after Raph gets done pounding you into the ground, I'm gonna make you eat something warm, because it's freezing outside. Then, and only then, can you sleep."

Despite the situation, Leo had to wonder when exactly his baby brother had picked up such a harsh edge. He felt a surge of self-loathing for putting that look on the orange-banded turtle's face. But at this point, there was really nothing he could do.

"Okay," the leader whispered.

And later, when he was finally curled up in a mound of quilts - thanks to Donnie -, Leo bit his lip and let the tears come again. He wasn't upset that Raph had chewed him out for a solid thirty minutes. He wasn't upset about the look of disappointment on Splinter's face. He wasn't even upset that he had a mild cold.

Hamato Leonardo was tired. Of everything. And he didn't know how much longer he could take it.

 **A/N: Sorry if this chapter was crappy, guys. It's** **been a rough day, and I'm trying to get back into everything, but... *sighs***

 **Anyway, please review.**


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